For those of you who know me, you will know that I have struggled with depression. It has been a very ugly battle…but it wasn’t always this way. It wasn’t until the birth of my fourth child that I experienced a full blown postpartum depression and it seemed to tilt the axis of my world just enough that I have been battling it ever since.
Last year was the worst of it, shaking my entire belief system and threatening to take me into the darkness. For good. After much help, medication and a great counselor, I have been able to emerge again. I am a changed person and I am still trying to learn who I am.
This poem was written during the beginning stages of my last major depression. I am a singer and a piano player and the kind of “music therapy” I had come to use and love through my lifetime just wasn’t helping like it always had. This is a reflection of me grasping at straws to pull myself to redemption.
Redemption lies between
the stark ebony and ivory.
Coming in the cadence
Tucked in the octave amidst the
half and the whole.
Redemption comes among
warm, worn, well loved melody.
Coming in the pause
Welcoming as cool turns to fervor
Fingers slipping over glossy keys.
Redemption comes in the midst
of the pensive warble
Coming in the reach
Pairing measure with articulated mettle
Cushioning, sheltering, dolce legato.
Redemption hides in the
rise of sacred, unassuming anthems.
Coming in flashes troppo
Infusing emptiness and desolation internal
Healing blemishes consummate to overflowing.
Redemption comes with each inflection
It is perfect solace in its earthly entry;
Ebbing its flow to decrescendo.
Even now my music doesn’t redeem me like it once did. I miss it. However, I am finding new ways and learning about things that are opening up my experience…and I am really enjoying them.
Hello new, improved Jen?