Sentimental Girl

I am a silly, sentimental girl.

I hold too close and I hug too long.

Crying at the tiniest of things, I embarrass myself, stumbling over apologies.

A grown woman, feeling only twelve inside….

Fragile, fresh and unsure of herself.

I fancy that good will always win and that the victim will become the victor

I am a silly, sentimental girl.

I carry memories like stones in my pocket–

Stones worn smooth from turning over and over in my mind.

I believe that life is easier than the conundrum we have created

And that the simplest things are the best things that could ever be.

The little things are never too small–they make all the difference.

I am a silly, sentimental girl.

The crucial morsels of my life elude me–or so I think.

My heart wants what it wants but not always what it needs–

And when all is said and done, I want for nothing more than what will be.

A million times I wish to be the girl everyone loves.

Yet million times I find that there is nothing more important I can be than

a silly, sentimental girl.

There are many times I feel like such a sap. However, I find comfort in the thought that there are others like me out there so I am not alone in my sappiness.

There are moments when I can’t stop crying to save my life, times when I just ooze sentimentality…I LOVE a good dose of emotion, even the ugly kinds of emotion. My husband lovingly calls me an emotional junkie. You know what? He’s right. He hit the nail on the head. This, coming from a man who rarely shows emotion. He’s very stable and good and kind–but rarely does he cry or get angry, let alone show it. He has been good for these past 15 years to calmly and patiently put up with my bouts of whatever emotional whim comes his way, via me. Yes, there are times he thinks I’m silly, but would never tell me so. I have learned not to become angry at his lack of emotional reaction and I have also learned that it is GOOD that we are so opposite considering our emotional habits. Our house would be a freaking crucible if we were both emotional junkies.

Trying to process emotions in a healthy way is tricky. There’s a fine balance that has to be considered and generally, I have found, it is selfishness that puts the spin on most all of our emotions, keeping us from the pure meaning behind what we are feeling. It’s been a long road but I can finally say: Yes. I enjoy the whole spectrum of emotion–I’m even trying to like the uncomfortable emotions. I’ve learned that they give life the spice that it needs. I don’t feel more human or connected to others around me than when we are sharing an experience, FEELING it together. I think they call that “bonding”.

I have often wondered what the world would be like if we could all be more aware of our emotions and try not to suppress so much. The idea that a man showing emotion is a weakness has done more than it’s fair share of damage. We have learned to stuff the feelings that are hard to deal with far down into the deepest, darkest corners of our souls. We are embarrassed to have others see us cry. Isn’t it interesting that these normal, natural human responses can keep us from feeling what we need to feel? I am convinced that we, as a world, have become emotionally numb and it has taken thousands of years for it to become as defined as it is now. Somewhere in my little mind, I know that so many of the atrocities against one another could be prevented if we were all a little more feeling. A little more aware, a little less stone-like. Our human emotions are dying. Mothers killing their children. Husbands beating their wives. Dictators destroying their own subjects. Countries at war. Terrorists persecuting anyone in their path. Bullying in the school yard. Infidelity. Sexual abuse. Gossip. Embezzlement. Riots. You name it, we’ve got it going on at an emotionally bankrupt level. When you don’t think it could get any worse, it does. We’re destroying ourselves, slowly but surely.

So I will keep on keeping on as an emotional junkie and I hope they never find a need to rehab that.


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